I can say with great certainty and absolute honesty that I did not know what love was until I knew what love was not. – Unknown.
The sky was starting to fade into a rainbow of pinks, purples and blues, setting the tone for a beautiful sunset. I sat on my yoga mat on the deck outside, I got lost in the beauty for a moment, slowly remembering my intention and how long it took me to get here, to this moment. I had held on to way too many things that people had told me that bothered me or didn’t feel good to me and I needed to let go…but as I did this something dawned on me, and I sat in a bit of disbelief, and had to really think about this before I could understand. I’ve never been able to really accept love. I can give love, a lot of love. But somehow I feel safe in the background, although it isn’t safe and it isn’t real.
I thought about this a lot after reading blogger Mark Mansen’s post called ‘Maybe You Don’t Know What Love is’. It had an impact on me, an eye opening, somewhat sad feeling washed over me…you keep giving the wrong people the love you deserve yourself – my friends kept telling me. I sat silently and said to myself – I am open and able to receive love – I said it a lot that evening, and I still say it today. The more I uncover the layers of who I am, those layers being the walls I’ve built over the past 20 plus years, the more I realize how hard it is for me to accept love and how much I have to give in to an entirely new way of thinking.
It’s somewhat easier to believe the negative and live with those words we tell ourselves when we disregard the heartfelt love and support, and compliments which is what we should be holding on to. Simple reminders that we’re all loved. Maybe that’s the I don’t want to be vulnerable part…believing the lies, so no one can get too close.
I don’t know if it’s self esteem or childhood issues or family or whatever, but I’m currently reviewing how my brain processes information vs. emotional information in order to see the love when it’s standing right in front of me. I’m also pretty sure I’m not alone in how I feel. I don’t think a lot of people know this, that they too maybe can’t accept love.
“Let me in the ocean that no one knows. I’ll either drown or learn to swim” JmStorm
Written by: Toni Bergquist