Epic Failures: The Best Worst Dating Stories

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Date #1:  Never Ever Agree to an Overnight Blind Spa Date

Why I agreed to a blind date for an overnight spa date is beyond me, oh yeah, I wanted to go to this particular spa.  But when my blind date arrived I wanted to run back inside, he had gotten fat based on what my friend told me and his supposed cute face was all bloated and red! He was not my type. I don’t know why I ended up going when every part of my being was screaming do not go, any excuse will do!

Needless to say we barely spoke on the drive there which was just over an hour.  I did my best to make small talk here and there but I wanted to jump on a bed of nails. We spent the next 24 hours barely talking – AWKWARD – getting massaged, facials and I did get a really nice bathing suit accompanied by a terrible dinner filled with MORE awkward silence. When we finally got to bed he tried to make out and somehow cuddle with me! I was literally kicking him away. Oh my goodness why are we sleeping in the same bed?!

The next day we can’t drive back fast enough and I overhear him telling his friend on a call it was “game over” oh really, thanks for the heads up. MAJOR FAIL on both parts!

Date #2:  Be careful seducing someone who might be gay.

He and I met through a friend at an independent movie premiere. I adored his East Hollywood James Dean style, and I didn’t really let the fact that he seemed somewhat metro leaning towards gay cloud my already clouded judgment, he was an actor after all. Needless to say we took some ecstasy and fell in love overnight.

His gaggle of bitchy east hollywood girlfriends did not like me being at his place and within a week it was over due to the fact that I had seduced him (YES HE BLAMED ME) and he was confused! Until he came back again, and again until I bolted my front door and changed my phone number! Major If there is Ecstasy and Sex involved Stupid FAIL!

Date #3: JUST REALLY!

I was dating this guy who was nothing more then a hook-up with a few lunches and dinners tossed in for good measure. But we had amazing chemistry when we made out.

After a few weeks I decided I wanted to have sex with him. So that Friday night – I put on a sexy, tiny black skirt with a little silver chain, a black bra and heels and greeted him at the door. It was hot and heavy…for 3 minutes when he finished, stating how amazing that was! We tried that 2 more times, I mean two completely separate occasions with the same results….until I said NO THANK YOU!

I told him I wouldn’t have sex with him again unless he could last at least 30 minutes.  And about a few nights later he did and maybe a few more times.  EPIC FAIL SOMEWHAT REDEEMED.

Date #4:  Wait a minute, did you just tell me your family history in 3 hours?!?

Yes you did and you think that’s normal! What’s not normal is my ability to sit through what felt like watching paint dry while you told me your life story, not only yours but your aunts and uncles and cousins included in this date turned into your family legacy’s job interview for a wife! Sorry but if I can’t sit through this I might not be considered in the running.  EPIC FAIL: No one wants to hear the details of your family legacy. PS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????

Date # 5: When the guy you’re infatuated with is infatuated with someone else and forgets to tell you.

This was such a fun night because I was all dressed up to see this guy I really liked and had been spending a lot of time with.  His band was playing so I got ready and went with a group of friends only to arrive to find him with a date. But not just any date,  they seemed in love. They had just met a couple weeks prior and were over the moon for each other. I was heartbroken but the best part was pretending I was really happy for them while playing hostess to my friends. Can I crawl under a rock now.  EPIC FAIL: Make sure it’s official.


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