Our guest blogger Edwin Dearborn gives us some great insight. He is the CEO & Founder at EdwinDearborn.com. An Executive Coach, Marketing & Leadership Strategist and Keynote Speaker and Author. What an honor to have him share with us!

7 Highly Desirable Traits That Men & Women Seek In Each Other

Desirable traits. What are they and which do men and women seek most in each other?

Before I was an executive coach and marketing strategist, I was a trained and certified marriage counselor for my church for over 24 years. During my tenure, I not only delivered hundreds of lectures and workshops to thousands of individuals and couples, but I also helped thousands of others on a one-on-one basis.

As I helped people overcome all types of marriage challenges and issues, I made note of common themes that came up among those that I was counseling. My intent is to one day write a full book on this subject, using the very title for it that you see here in this blog post.

While I am not trying to generate controversy, I know that some will see what I write as such. I will eventually be accused by a vocal few of being sexist, biased as I am a man, and that I am not fully qualified to write on such a topic as I do not have a degree from a prestigious school on the subject of psychology. What I share with you here is what people shared with me in their most confidential and trusted moments. I will not reveal any names, but I will share with you what men and women shared with me as to what was most desirable to them.

I can tell you there is one common trait that both want that did not make either list. This is because it goes on both, so deserves a special mention. It’s called TRUST. Without this base to build on, the 7 desirable traits particular to each gender will not matter.

Of course, many will read these two lists and disagree and these do not represent all the desirable traits that they specifically seek. While I never professed that this was a perfect list for all, it is nonetheless the list I compiled after 24 year of counseling many couples and individuals. I thank all of them for trusting in me so that I could help them find a better life and peace of mind.

The 7 Desirable Traits that Women Seek In a Man

As the saying goes, “Women first.” These are the most common desirable traits that women seek in men.

  1. The ability to listen and be empathetic – This seems to be the hardest trait for men to maintain, yet when this is accomplished, more can be achieved in the long run. Women tend to want to be heard, not told how to solve their problems. To show understanding to their problems, no matter how small they may appear to you, is a desirable trait that women love in a man.
  2. Having confidence – This trait can allow an average looking man gain the love of a very beautiful woman. Women need and want a man who is confident, decisive and will always make the best choices for the both of them. While not always the case, the vast majority of women look to men for leadership.
  3. Providing wise council – Wisdom and sound council will win over the hearts of many women. It shows that you are looking out for them, that you want them to be secure and safe. There are many men who act confident, but yet do not deliver valuable and wise council.  Confident men, who are also wise, will win out 90% of the time over a good looking hunk with a great smile.
  4. Treating a woman with good manners and respect – Being a gentleman is considered a desirable trait, one that is revered in ancient books, epic poems and adventurous tales.
  5. Provide financially – This is a huge issue and most marriages fail within the first 7 years due to financial strain. A man’s confidence and wisdom needs to rapidly translate into financial stability. While not all women will need you to become a millionaire, they do like to have their needs provided for. Some women have more expensive needs than others, but the point is this: be a good provider.
  6. Romance – This is one of men’s weakest points, right after being a good listener. One of the most romantic things you can do for a woman (Key tip here men!) is to give her something nice, or do something nice for her, and then tell her, “I got you this (did this for you) because I was thinking of you.” Being romantic is easier than you think. A little inspiration, a dash of surprise, but always an element of endearment and thoughtfulness, will always be warmly welcomed as good romance.
  7. Taking care of yourself; clean after yourself – Remember that line from that ZZ Top song? “Coz every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man.” While women do not expect you to look like a GQ model, they do love it when you dress nice and make an effort to look handsome and stylish. As well, a man that can clean after himself is a major bonus for women. Some women even consider helping her clean the house as one of the most romantic turn-on’s that any man could perform. Could cleaning be foreplay? Sure.

The 7 Desirable Traits that Men Seek in a Woman

  1. Offer pleasing and consistent sex – Ok, you knew this was going to be #1 on the list. But let me add some additional notes and recommendations. Men, in particular, are not always seeking romantic sex. In fact, you could classify the sex act in about a dozen categories, from romantic sex, make-up sex, quickies, and sometimes just some good old intense, make-you-sweat sex.
  2. Stay attractive & do not become overweight – Men are somewhat forgiving when a woman is pregnant, but eventually they want to see you get and stay in shape. And men, you need to help her enough so she has the time and finance to eat proper food and get exercise. Just don’t expect her to change with nagging, you need to be a provider, as per your list above. Women, this is a bigger deal than what he is saying. I’m sure that most breast augmentations have been paid for by husbands.
  3. Be a good, loving mother to your children – Men, rightly or wrongly, expect a woman to handle the children more often, and even better, than they do. By being a great parent, they see this as a point of pride and stability that then allows them to focus their attention on providing for a loving family (and watching more football).
  4. Cook good food to his liking – Yes, it is true. The way to man’s heart is through his stomach. Work out the type of meals he loves and provide them. Make the drinks he likes and serve them to him. If you cannot cook, then learn how to. Believe me, he will be more than willing to give you the time and finance to learn how.
  5. Honor and validate his strengths as a man – Men need to be validated and told that they posses good qualities. They do not expect much, but validate his more sterling qualities when he demonstrates them.
  6. Do not invalidate or belittle him, particularly in public, in any way – Belittling a man, even in a subtle way, lowers his status and dignity. Honor means more to a man than you may know. Even “joking around”, or mentioning his odd peculiarities to others, is not something he will appreciate. In fact, it will build resentment.
  7. Maintain good relations with his parents – Most men have a high regard for their parents and when there is any strain with you and his parents, this demonstrates to his family that he is not the “man of the house.”

While I no longer counsel couples, my wife, Carlie Dearbornm is a licensed Life Coach in Orange County, CA who helps couples and individuals with a wide range of issues and challenges. You can reach her at her center, Athena Coaching & Personal Development.


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