The only way I can articulate what divorce feels like, for me, might sound harsh but in reality it’s just my truth. It’s like getting out of jail, half of my mind stays stuck in the past, believing I’m someone I’m not, believing that It’s not okay too dream.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault. We grew up together and we grew apart, and while we grew apart expressing how we felt became a battle we lost. It drove me to delve into the science behind love and why I would accept this behavior from someone who at one point always had my back, as I had his. But it takes two to tango, and in love and life you both have to be 100 percent in to make those small, very difficult changes in a relationship that had ended a long time ago. Maybe if we learned years ago we could have saved our marriage. But I’m glad we didn’t and here’s why.
This sentence someone once told me lived inside me, buried and repressed. It was something like this: No one will ever have enough love to give you Toni, you need too much. Why would I believe such bullshit and who says that? I got the very thing I was taught, I wanted to simply be loved and cherished, but so did he, and our issues from childhood eroded into our adult lives and we defined ourselves by who we thought we were. We built a self imposed jail and fought each other to get out. No one else to blame, I have a part, he has a part and that’s okay.
The more I let go of the things that broke my heart I realize my heart had been broken a very long time ago and never healed. The irony is I live a life to help and serve others so we can live in a world where dreams do come true, I simply forgot those dreams apply to me too. Part of myself is processing and letting go of words or feelings that no longer serve me, it’s in that I had to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made that I felt made me unworthy of living my personal dreams.
The longer I live in the past the harder stepping out of my self imposed jail becomes and I’m tired of living there so day by day I am releasing all the words that I held onto in order to take in all the love, and amazing people that live in my heart and share my life. While I wasn’t looking one dream came true in the form of a beautiful young man who made me feel worshipped, and connected and adored. I’m pretty sure God sent him to me to believe in all the possibilities.
There are days that I feel so alive that simply running in the grass with my dogs or dancing and reading and writing and learning and growing, and dreaming fill my heart with a fire that I had lost. I’m learning to give into my dreams, and dream about the kind of love fairy tales are made of.
I built The Agency to help people I care about find real love, so I have seen the fairy tale come true enough to know we should all dream about the things that scare us. What an irony, to learn that everything I thought I knew about love and marriage was wrong, that there are conditions, love is not unconditional, a dear friend told me a while ago.
I’m excited, and I sometimes feel like a kid, looking at the moon laying on the grass at midnight, dreaming of a life that looks far different then it used to. It’s through life experience that we awaken or we die. I have to much to give to die so I’m going to dream, and I going to share and I am going to tell anyone who will listen (thank you Stephen).