Your Tango

UGH.

“What should I tell him? I really don’t want to go hang out and watch Netflix and that’s all he wants to do. And I have to drive there! Plus, we’ve been dating a month now and he never makes an effort to come see me.” She has had enough and decides to call him and be honest.

The interesting thing is that we make excuses, come up with lies, date people for the wrong reasons and just aren’t honest with one another about our lying because no one likes to be rejected. I wonder, would we rather know the truth than be confused?

These are the top ten reasons why people lie on dates, especially during casual dating.

1. We hate confrontation so we avoid rejecting someone to their face, hence leaving the other person confused.

2. We’re just selfish and want what we want without caring about the other person’s needs so we like to keep them around to meet our conditions.

3. Sometimes we feel hopeless when we’re single so we stick around so we don’t have to be alone.

4. Because sometimes we don’t know what we want so we pretend we like you more than we do.

5. Everyone lies when it comes to dating, so it’s justifiable.

6. We just don’t know how to let someone down with common courtesy.

7. We get bad advice from our friends who don’t know any better.

8. We’re great at lying when it comes to dating so we just keep doing it.

9. We don’t want to be told that we can work it out, blah blah blah.

10. Because we’re not nice, weren’t raised with manners and simply don’t care.

Though there are exceptions to every rule, after doing a lengthy survey these were the most common reasons why people lie on dates. Read the full article HERE

Your Tango

Make Sense article by The Agency

To find the right person, be the right person.

Many people want to be in relationships but don’t know how to sustain a healthy one.

While there is certainly nothing wrong with romantic fantasies about love — getting married and all the things that look somewhat like a romantic comedy with a fairy tale ending — it isn’t reality for most of us (sorry I really wish it was).

Real love can and does have all of the wonderful attributes that seem like fairy tales or moments in life when you’ve never believed you could be so happy, but overall, learning how to have that kind of love takes work.

It takes resisting the reaction when you want to say something hurtful, or blame your partner for something that has nothing to do with them. It’s about making a decision to learn how to respond — it’s being selfless, acknowledging and caring about your partner’s needs. It includes big and little things.

Love is an action and to be loving is a decision. To love someone, really love someone who really loves you, is about being a supportive and caring partner; knowing how to understand and compromise; knowing to accept your partner for who he or she is without trying to change them.

It’s not about taking someone away from those they love. It’s not about being locked into some strange desperation with each other, hoping and praying that no one cracks the shell. A couple must support each other’s hopes and dreams.

If you’re not there yet, you can start to work on what you will and will not do to nurture yourself and your idea of what a healthy relationship is. Here are 10 things you can do that will almost guarantee a healthier relationship:

  1. To find the right person, be the right person.

Before you get back into a relationship, build your life. Finish your unfinished business. Become objective about what went wrong in your last relationship, and in the relationships before that. Do a relationship inventory and a life inventory.

  1. Don’t bring your past into your new relationship.

We all have been hurt, have a past and are scared. A new relationship isn’t a stepping stone if you hold on to your past pain or fears and project them onto someone who doesn’t deserve it. Keep your outside issues out of the relationship and learn how to deal with them without putting them on your partner.

  1. Real love communicates in a healthy way.

Name-calling is out. Blaming and nitpicking is out. Accusations are out. Healthy relationships are about forthright and honest communication. When you fight, have a time out and allow your emotional reaction to settle in so you can logically talk through problems.

  1. Real love requires healthy aspirations and goals, both individually and as a couple.

You have to have plans and dreams, and agree on the future. Support each other in achieving everything you’ve always wanted. It is important that you figure this out early on.

  1. Make sure you’re surrounded by healthy people — family, friends, acquaintances, and co-workers.

Learn to make choices and not just let friendships and professional relationships “happen.” Don’t spend time with family just because they’re family. Choose to only have those in your life who are loving, respectful, honest, and open, and who care about you.

  1. Stop being a victim.

Stop thinking you have no control over what happens to you. Most people stuck in unhealthy patterns are stuck in a mud pit of denial, justification, and rationalization. Take charge of yourself and what happens to you day in and day out.

  1. Live with purpose.

Spend some quiet time alone each day, without interruption, to breathe and be in a place of personal development. Think about what you need to do to “get better” in different areas. Learn to meditate by getting quiet and relaxing. Remember to be mindful and see what’s going on where you are at this very minute.

  1. Know that real love is painful at times, but it’s worth it.

Yes, there are misunderstandings and upsets and disappointments in every relationship, but in healthy relationships they aren’t a regular happening. It’s not always easy, but they tend to run smoothly because you work at it.

Love is what helps you deal with the curves that life throws at you, not what makes things more difficult. Love, real love, is support in a difficult world; it is what we all need and it’s okay to know that.

  1. Real love does not ask us to sacrifice that which we love.

Not our interests, not our hobbies, not our friends and family. Keep your life balanced; if you give up what you love and the people you love, you will look around one day and realize you can’t leave your relationship because you have nothing else.

  1. Love is an action from you and to you.

Act it and be mindful of your behavior. Whether in a relationship or not, you must affirm that love is what you do, not what you say, and you must work on this with everyone in your life that you love. If it’s a “non-love” relationship (i.e. professional), respect is the action; we teach people how to treat us.

If people understood what real love entailed, they would be less inclined to go in and out of relationships in which they know they will experience anything but love. And remember, love isn’t only physical attraction, it’s everything else: being best friends, having someone who is cheering for you, laughter and walking through life knowing there is no one else you would rather be with. Click Here for original article.

Your Tango

Professional Matchmaker know

As revealed by a professional matchmaker.

It seems everyone is always looking for the answers to how men and women think when it comes to dating and love. We look everywhere for answers — whether it’s reading relationship blogs, advice columns, going to astrologers and psychics, reading customized horoscopes, or turning to friends and family to help us figure it out.

I’m also guilty of this; although, being a matchmaker has given me more insight into how men and women really think and feel about love and dating. I’ve found that we really want the same thing. Sorry, but there’s no one way to a man’s heart and no one way to a woman’s heart. Read the full story Here.

 

Bustle

Newport Beach ca Mellinial

Millennials Want Emotional Connections, Not Hookups, Report Finds, But Many Don’t Really Know How

“First off, there are many exceptions of Millennials who are amazing, thoughtful, kind, hardworking and emotionally intelligent,” Toni Bergquist, founder and CEO of The Agency, an exclusive matchmaking service in Southern California tells Bustle. “But Many millennials want it all now. They’re used to the grass is always greener mentality. They want the perfect guy or girl but aren’t willing to change. They don’t want to put the work in to create emotional intimacy because that requires being authentic and most people are too afraid to dig that deep. Instead, they run away and the cycle continues. But emotional connections are needed to find love.” Read the full article here.

 

Romper – Digital Magazine

Toxic Partner

9 Subtle Signs Your Partner Is Toxic & Not Worth Your Time

The Agency’s, Tony Bergquist, was tapped to help deliver insight on this subject.  With her advice being featured as #8 on the list.  For the full list, click here.

8. They Pick Fights About Nothing

If your partner is overly critical or nit-picky and starts fights with you over the most minor of things, that is problematic, Toni Bergquist, founder and CEO of matchmaking company The Agency, tells Romper. Starting fights for no reason is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

 

OC Register Article

Click on the link below or see the article below.

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/love-747389-bergquist-find.html

Written by: Keith Sharon

______________________________________________________________________________

Love is her morning, her night, her struggle, her pain, her goal, her future.

“Love,” she said, “means everything to me.”

Love is also her curse. For someone whose career depends on figuring out the mysteries of love, finding love for herself remains such a mystery.

Toni Bergquist, 46, is a matchmaker.

She runs The Agency, a service for the well-to-do, who, when it comes to love, usually don’t. She looks like a Hollywood star, like a cross between Gwenyth Paltrow and Lisa Kudrow. She speaks knowingly, like a philosopher.

“We shouldn’t be in charge of each other’s lives,” she said of love partners. “We need to be growing. We need to learn, explore and have adventures. We need to live.”

For a membership fee of between $6,500 and $15,000 (usually paid by men of substantial means), she will introduce people she believes are compatible – based solely on her own notions of who should be with whom. This is matchmaking the old fashioned way. She calls it authentic. “I match for a reason,” she said.

The Agency, which has clients from Los Angeles, Orange and San Diego counties, has very little online presence other than a blog/diary she writes (theagencydiary.com) about her thoughts on love. You will not find an algorithm or an app at The Agency. You will find no swiping of your phone screen to the left or to the right.

And you certainly won’t find listings of her clients.

You will find only Toni Bergquist.

• • •

She was a teenager with her daddy’s credit card and an attitude. “A valley girl,” she called herself. She grew up in Encino. There were drugs and all-nighters and emptiness.

“We had such a perfect family – from the outside looking in,” she said. “I call my family the pretty picture.”

But her parents got a divorce. “Everybody was falling apart,” she said.

Her first job was at Great Expectations, a video dating service. She left, she said, after dating an executive in the company. It didn’t end well.

She moved to Brentwood and tried to make it in Hollywood. She worked as a production assistant, talent manager and casting director for television commercials. She got a job at Movieline magazine, where she organized and participated in parties for celebrities.

Then her interest in the party life faded. “I got upset with people who weren’t good,” she said. “I was getting sick of it.”

When she was 32, she met a guy named Wade Bergquist. He was in corporate sales.

“He was just sitting there looking cute,” she said with a laugh. “He wasn’t really my type, but he became my type.”

They eloped and got married on May 15, 2011.

And her world was exciting, unpredictable and what she thought it was supposed to be.

• • •

They had moved to Orange County in 2010, and together they managed a social club – where singles were supposed to meet – in Costa Mesa. But the club didn’t prosper, and it closed quickly. Still, running the club taught Toni Bergquist something about herself.

“I realized I could help singles by giving them hope,” she said.

She got her first job as a matchmaker with Elite Connections in 2012. “It was beautiful people jet-setting around the world,” she said. “I wanted to be the best matchmaker in Orange County.”

She had a difference of opinion with management, and that job didn’t last either. Bergquist decided to start matchmaking on her own.

The Agency launched in July 2013 with a lofty goal. She wanted her matchmaking to lead to 200 marriages. (So far, she takes credit for five.)

The way you build a matchmaking business, Bergquist said, is to find the right women. They must be beautiful and, usually, between the ages of 24 and 45. The men, usually between the ages of 28 and 50, will follow. Bergquist says she now has about 150 women on her roster who are looking for love.

The Agency does not shy away from the requirement: Its members must be, in Bergquist’s opinion, good looking and wealthy. Bergquist has to invite you to be a client.

“Looks … that’s big,” she said. “I know it’s very shallow. But that’s the way it is.”

The men she accepts are usually those who are in touch with their emotions.

“The men cry,” Bergquist said. “I like them and respect them more if they do.”

Bergquist doesn’t publicize the names of her clients because, she said, there is a stigma that goes with getting set up by a matchmaker.

One client, a man who lives in an expensive neighborhood along the coast, said he met Bergquist at a restaurant. When she told him she was a matchmaker, he dismissed her profession. He said he was dating twice a week, and never thought he needed help. But the more he thought about it “the more I realized I’ve struggled meeting the RIGHT person.”

He became a member of The Agency.

“Toni gets to understand a deeper level of her clients,” he said. “She’ll get to know the DNA of the other person. Toni is open, sensitive and caring. I went from a skeptic to a huge supporter.”

One woman client said Bergquist has been an enthusiastic guide through the difficult world of love.

“I think Toni is good at what she does because she really believes in love and loves to bring people together,” the woman said. “Toni is helping me find love by mostly helping bring down my walls and opened my eyes that there really are good guys out there.”

Bergquist said one of her clients is a well-known billionaire in Orange County (”Everyone would know his name”).

“He acts like the millionaire next door,” she said, making him sound almost quaint. “When he came to me, he was brokenhearted. I saw an amazing man. He was one of the nicest, most loyal, funniest, most successful guys. He’s got a real soulful spirit.”

She tried to set him up with six different woman. He said no each time. And he fired Bergquist.

Then she met a woman who also had a broken heart. “She had been in an emotionally abusive relationship,” Bergquist said.

Bergquist knows the billionaire and the brokenhearted woman would be perfect for each other.

So she called him. And the seventh time worked.

“They are now married,” Bergquist said. “They are very adventurous. They travel. They fish. They are madly in love … I look at them now, and I say I want that.”

• • •

She doesn’t have the kind of loving relationship she so desperately wants.

On her 45th birthday, July 3, 2015, she knew her marriage was over.

“We fought about everything and nothing,” she said. “We couldn’t get along. I didn’t know how to be a wife. I was devastated.”

Since her divorce, she has shut down and reopened The Agency. She’s consuming her time with trying to find love for other people so she doesn’t have to think as much about not having love herself.

“I have buried myself at work,” she said.

Her personal battle with love may have made her a better matchmaker.

“Her divorce has probably helped her grow more personally,” one client said. “She is finding herself and probably has more of an understanding of what it’s like to be single and looking for love.”

Since her divorce, Bergquist has had opportunities for love and dated someone for six months. But so far, she hasn’t reached the point she wants to be.

“All I want is love,” she said.

Maybe she should take some of her own advice:

1. Love requires that you increase your emotional intelligence.

2. Prioritize relationships over possessions. “Without someone to share it with, it’s just stuff.”

3. Being nice is your most attractive quality.

4. Burn the checklist of what you think you need in a relationship. “Follow your heart.”

5. Look for love in your own age group, and try to find someone with similar life experiences.

6. Find someone who hates the same things you do.

7. Look for someone who wants to learn about life with you.

8. You don’t buy your way into someone’s heart, but you may laugh your way there.

Or, you could find a matchmaker.

Contact the writer: ksharon@scng.com

Recent Interview with Yahoo!

 

Nicole Pajer of Yahoo recently talked with Toni Bergquist of The Agency, LLC about the “Do’s and Dont’s” of celebrity dating.

Toni’s excerpt:
But while Hollywood stars hopping on the online dating bandwagon is becoming a trend, some professional matchmakers advise against it. Toni Bergquist, founder/owner of matchmaking service, The Agency, LLC says she would never advise a celebrity client to meet a stranger via a service like Tinder or Match.com. “I think celebrities have enough issues with privacy. Their dating lives are scrutinized enough as it is with our culture and obsession with celebrity,” she explains. “Potential love interests should be screened thoroughly through a matchmaker or personal assistant or someone that celebs trust.”

The complete article can be read here.

 

Angeleno: December 2014

In December 2014, The Agency was featured in Angeleno Magazine, a Modern Luxury publication. Toni Bergquist was one of “15 Dynamic Women” of Los Angeles.

From the Dynamic Women of Los Angeles article”

Being a matchmaker is Toni Bergquist’s “soul-career”— as helping others has always been her passion — but helping people find love is the ultimate gift. Toni started “The Agency” after being a matchmaker for a larger matchmaking company. She wanted a boutique, very exclusive company, only working with those she knew she could match. Being so selective, they do not advertise and they recruit 95 percent of their clientele. In the process, she has built a solid foundation with amazing matchmakers.

Jessica Supowitz is The Agency’s Los Angeles based matchmaker. Her ability to match, guide and support people makes her a natural, and the fact that Toni and Jessica have been best friends since high school makes them a perfect match. They are grateful, humbled and grounded as they continue their success helping their clients find love.

“Life is not about what you own, who you know, or what you do for a living. Life is about having someone by your side to share the moments and memories. Love is and always has been everything.”

*LeeAnn Adams and Brittney Carbone are The Agencies Executive Matchmakers as well, covering San Diego, Orange County and Los Angeles.